Not the way it’s supposed to be
Child mortality.
The words are devastating.
As human beings, we rail against the reality that we will most likely bury our grandparents and our parents and ours aunts and uncles in our lifetimes.
Oh, we understand, intellectually, that it is the natural way of things.
And we hate it, and it hurts.
We are crushed by the reality that many of us will bury members of our own generation. Our spouses. Our brothers and sisters. Our cousins.
We understand, intellectually, that as we age so too does the rest of our age group… and we will pay a price for being mortal.
And we hate that, and it hurts.
But to lose a child…
To lose all the hope and the promise that is born in a family’s heart the moment we first come to realize that a new life is entering our family…
To be old and lose the young…
To have to say goodbye before we even got a chance to say hello…
Devastating.
And all the more so today, in this modern world, where modern medicine and modern technology so often insulates us from this kind of a loss.
Not so for past generations.
My grandparents on both sides knew the pain of losing a child.
My father’s parents Hugo Ernst and Marie (Nuckel) Geissler lost their first-born, a daughter, Marie Emma, when she was only four months old. Born the 10th of September 1919 in Bremen, Germany, she died on the 20th of January 1920 at the Children’s Hospital there.
Devastating.
My mother’s parents Clay Rex and Opal (Robertson) Cottrell also lost their first-born, a daughter, Ruth Marie, when she was only six months old. Born the 12th of August 1917 in Wichita County, Texas, she died at home on the 22nd of February 1918.
Devastating.
And that was not the only child they lost. Donald Harris Cottrell was born on the 5th of March 1930 in Midland, Texas. He was just two years and five months old when he died of smallpox on 12 August 1932.
Devastating.
There is no other word that begins to describe the loss of a child. It is not the way things are supposed to be. We are not supposed to bury our children. Especially not today. Child mortality is a thing of the past, isn’t it?
Would that that were true…
Because it is with the heaviest of hearts that my family gathers today in Chicago to try to come to terms with the loss of a child born too soon.
His name was Adam.
He was beautiful.
And he was loved.
And he is gone.
Even modern medicine and modern technology couldn’t pull him through.
Devastating.
It is not the way things are supposed to be.
We are not supposed to bury our children.
Devastating.
There are no other words.
Tears are flowing, Judy. I am so very, very sorry for your loss.
My sympathies to you and your family.
From a child’s memorial that I recently photographed for Find-a-Grave:
Some of Life’s Promises Don’t Come True
But Mornings Still Come
And Sparrows, Like Hopes
Still Sing in the Trees
(Nicole Marie Smith, 1987-1987)
My great-grandmother lost eight of her fourteen babies. On one occasion, they lost a two year old daughter on Christmas Eve Day, and the following day, lost a still-born son. How could they possibly have celebrated Christmas with the others? Yet I’m told that they did.
At a loss for words, but thinking of you and your family. God bless.
It’s so sad to read this. It was hard enough to lose a baby back when it happened on a regular basis. With today’s technology and knowledge, we don’t expect that to happen – and yet it does. So sorry for the loss in your family. Prayer go out to the family and especially his parents, who must be beside themselves with grief 🙁
Please accept my condolences Judy. The loss of a loved one is never easy to bear but even harder when it’s a child.
I’m so sorry. My condolences to you and all your family.
So very sorry, Judy. I’ve felt that pain. Will keep Adam and all your family in prayers.
Dear Judy,
I am so very sorry for your family’s lost. I lost my own child at age 19, fifteen years ago. Two of my sisters had children that were born too soon. My brother’s wife had two babies also born too soon. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this most difficult time in their lives.
Judy,
Words can’t express how saddened I am for sweet little Adam, his parents, you and your entire family. My thoughts and prayers are and will continue to be with you all.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Every one of my grandparents, great-grandparents, and ancestors beyond them, had at least one child die in infancy or before they reached their teens. Even though we don’t face the same diseases that took so many lives, there are still too many things that can steal the life of one that hasn’t had a chance to live.
The loss of a child! Indescribable grief. It is not fair! There are no words of solace. You may not even know the child, but you feel something good and innocent has left this life and you feel the loss when you hear of something like this. But we go on as we must, just as our forefathers before us, never knowing when time will pluck the next petal from the flower!
Sometimes when there is no words, there is still music and singing in the way we can let our hearts out a bit. I recently lost my mom, as you say, in the natural order of things. Someone shared a song with me then that I would like to share with you now. Carrie Newcomer “A Gathering of Spirits”. And for the little one, Celine Dion’s “Fly”. A warm cocoon for you all. Hug Hug Hug
I am so sorry, Judy, for your family’s little Adam. Once I worked in labor and delivery, and people, trying to help, would say, “You’ll have other children to take the place of this one.” Maybe another child, but they won’t be Adam, with all that his life would have been. My great grandmother lost her seventh child, at 2 1/2, drowned in an irrigation ditch, while pregnant with her eighth. I can’t imagine that her final, beloved child was compensation for the lost one. I knew and loved them all, and they still talked about “baby Clyde.” So mourn your little Adam.
Judy, I am so sorry for this loss. My heart sinks for you and your family. Words escape me.
Oh… It is awful to bury any newborn, moreso one’s own. Awful. Incomprehensible. And thank you for not falling back on the tropes of “not meant to be” (and for doing quite the opposite, in fact). I am so so sorry for the loss in your family, and lend my thoughts & prayers to you and yours in this tragic time, as I know anyone would. Thank you for sharing this painful but true moment, and for doing it with such respect and openness. It will help others, and, I am sure, your own family, as well. This is a painful but lovely piece, and thank you for sharing, Judy.
Dear Judy–my heartfelt condolences to you and yor family in the loss of that sweet child. No parent should have to endure the loss of a child; at any age. It goes against nature almost and I doubt the grief of the loss is ever diminished. So sorry.
Judy, such a sad loss for the whole family to lose a life much longed for and anticipated. Adam is with the angles but for the family the tragedy may never truly pass.
So sorry for your loss.
My only child died at the age of 26 by suicide. Here’s a poem that touched my heart about losing a child, no matter what the age.
I’ll lend you for a little while, a child of mine, God said
For you to love the while he lives and mourn for when he’s dead…
It may be six or seven years or forty-two or three
But will you till I call him back, take care of him for me?
Author Unknown
So sorry for your loss, Vicki. Losing a child… any child… such a tragedy.